Why Me Vs. Why Not Me

(Color Commentator):

Ladies and Gentlemen, prepare yourselves, for the biggest match-up of super-powered thought-provoking self-directed questions the world has ever seen; for the event that will drop your jaws in bewilderment; for the greatest spectacle of self-confidence testing terminology on the planet!

 

(Ring Announcer):

Innnnnn the left corner, weighing in at the weight on your shoulders and the heaviness in your chest, coming from the worst place inside your mind, the “more-times-than-he-should-be-champion-of-the world” heavyweight champion of the woooooooorld, we have none other than the Pessimistic Poseidon, the Self-Deprecating Supreme, the ultimate and untouchable Negative Nancy himself…whhhhhYYYYYYYYYYY MEEEEEEEEeeeeee.

Aaaaaaaand in the right corner, weighing in at a lean negative infinity emotional pounds, hailing from the dusty corner of your soul you should really give more TLC to, the “been-defeated-so-many-times-but-still-comes-back-to-fight” featherweight sucker for pain, we have the Optimistic Odysseus, the Glass-Half Full Phenom, the Positive Peter Parkerrrrrrrrr…whhhhhhhyyy nnnnooooooot MEEEEEEEEEEEE.

LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLEEEEEEEEEEEE!

 

(Color Commentator):

And we’re back! A never before attempted title fight between a featherweight challenger to a heavyweight champion in a one round sudden death for it all. What a show we have tonight. The odds completely stacked in favor of the reigning champ. 100% chance of victory says the stats.

Who will take home the “Belt of Self-Conscience”, “The Title of Confidence King”?

Will it be the dominant Why Me, who’s never even been hit before? Or the newcomer, who barely stands a chance?

We’re about to find out folks! Grab your popcorn, grab your nachos, grab your grandma, because this will be a doozy.

*DING DING DING*

Here we go folks! The start of it all. The punch-slinging, sweat-pouring, footwork-flying action.

They’re sizing each other up, observing, strategizing for the first move, and…WOW!

Why Me with the quick strike. The right gut punch. He reaches around, goes for the kidney,

Connects with a left jab to the nose!

He’s on fire folks. Look at him go.

He pivots his feet, goes for a right rib cage strike, NAILS IT!

Why Not Me, counters with a left hook,

No good! Blocked by Why Me, who counters with his own left hook. It connects again!

Why Me continues on the attack in the center of the ring. He’s relentless folks! I’ve never seen this level of ferociousness!

Why Not Me holds a tight guard. Arms locked in to the body and gloves over the sides of his face, but it’s no use!

Why Me is slamming into the defense. Right, Right, Left Left, Stomach, Face, Ribs, Shoulders, Back, Arms.

He’s hitting all over!

The defenses are weakening on every blow, bombarding the arms of his challenger.

He winding up, uh oh…WHAM. A deafening strike!

Why Not Me takes a step back for bracing, he…MY GOODNESS ANOTHER ONE!

WHY NOT ME IS ON THE ROPES!

He is getting absolutely barraged. I don’t know how much more he can take folks.

Why Not Me makes a move to escape and…OOOOHHHHH he goes down! Caught by an uppercut from his opponent Why Not Me goes down!

The Referee starts the count!

 

(Why Not Me)

1…

Where am I?

2…

Who am I?

3…

When did I get on the floor?

4…

Why do I feel so tired?

5…

Who, who’s that screaming?

 

(Coach)

               HEY KID. YOU BETTER GET YOUR ***** ***** ****** UP RIGHT NOW! WE DIDN’T COME ALL THIS ****** ******* WAY FOR YOUR ***** ***** TO BE ***** ****** ******. HE’S ****** KILLING YOU OUT THERE, MAKING YOU LOOK LIKE A ****** ***** *******. SO, GET THE ********* ***** ****** UP AND ******** DO SOMETHING YOU ****** ******* *******.

6…

That’s right. I didn’t come all this way to lose. Especially not to this guy.

7…

I need to get up.

8…

I need to get up.

9…

I need to get up.

 

(Color Commentator)

What’s this? OH MY GOLLY GOSH! I DON’T BELIEVE MY EYEBALLS!

He’s getting up! Ladies and Gentleman Why Not Me is on his feet!

Just when we thought it was all over, the fight continues!

This scrappy sucker certainly plans to go the distance.

 

They’re back at again folks! But this time Why Not Me looks different

I tell you he’s feeling something good people, because this guy is in the zone!

Why Me slugs a big one. DODGED.

Why Me winds and fires. WHIFFED.

Why Me goes for a quick jab. MISSED.

Would you look at that?! The moves are being calculated! Why Not Me has his number.

Another left hook.

Not even close!

Uppercut.

He can’t land a thing.

 

Why Me is starting to look tired, what on earth has happened?

Annnnnnd here he comes. Why Not Me is beginning his attack.

First hit, good!

Second hit, got em!

Third, Fourth, Fifth! What a combo!

Why Not Me is unleashing a fury like never before! He’s punching, he’s jabbing, he’s dodging, he’s weaving, he…OH MAMA WHAT A STRIKE.

Why Me is down for the count!

The referee is counting. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!

10! 10! HE’S DOWN.

IT’S A KNOCKOUT! WHY NOT ME HAS DONE IT!

FORGET THE ODDS! WE HAVE OUR CHAMPION!

Wow! What a miraculous comeback! Let’s go down to the ring for the interview.

 

(Interviewer)

So Why Not Me, how did you do it? How did you pull this upset?

 

(Why Not Me)

Well you know like, I was just doin’ what I do’ you know? Like I think my moms named me this for a reason you know? People be countin’ me out, but they don’t know what I do you know? Like I’m down but you know I’m gon’ get up and try to win. Cuz’ like, if other people can win, then I can too right? Like I just do me. Why Not Me?

 

(Color Commentator)

And there ya have it folks! What an intense match. But when it came down to it, it seems that adding the Not, can make the difference when you’re going the distance.

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